Guest Post: Postulations of a Tortured Soul

Guest Post: Postulations of a Tortured Soul

By Mitch D.

Authors Note: The following article contains liberal doses (dollops, even) of sarcasm. Please proceed with your tongue firmly implanted into your cheek.

I must confess, I am disappointed.

No, my friends, not the utter disappointment that arises when the Blues lose the State of Origin again, or when Steph returns and creates havoc on Ramsay Street and causes pain in the lives of your favourite peeps. No, this is just a mild feeling…

Of let-downedness…

When Amanda contacted me last year asking for a challenge, I was struck by one thing; she considered me one of her “most inspirational” friends and family. Don’t get me wrong, wife, two kids, dog, cat, a mortgage and a three bedder in the suburbs is the perfect life for me, but really??

Of course, big sentiments come with big expectations, so my mind began to immediately wander to grandiose locations and thrilling adventures. But that’s not me, man. I then decided to think of something closer to home, something that would challenge Amanda but not blow out the budget or be something that was literally impossible. Something I myself had done that required some skill, perhaps. And it came to me; learn to play a musical instrument.

Not bad, I thought. Something I have done myself, tick. Something challenging but relatively easy, tick. Something cheap and within the realm of possibility, tick, tick, tick. I sent my reply to Amanda feeling somewhat boring yet relishing the fact that I had given her a challenge that she would find both fulfilling and easy to complete.


I spent the next 12 months religiously reading her blog, enjoying all of the adventures and good times alongside her, and even tagging along to her skydive and offering my flat-screen and my hospitality so that she could comfortably enjoy The Godfather Part II (another fail, she fell asleep!) All the while I waited for my turn, waited for my moment, waited to hear that my challenge had been completed. Waited… waited… (Oxford and Macquarie are SO last century) defines a musical instrument as; A device, object, contrivance or machine used to produce musical notes or sounds. Tell me, dear readers, under which of those definitions would you classify your own voice?

Amanda texted me today, the 25th of June, a mere SIX DAYS before her challenges were due to be completed to let me know that despite a raw and disturbing sound she had completed my challenge. She had been taking singing lessons all year, and waxed lyrical about how she had overcome the task at hand and that she was the smartest woman alive. I replied, pointing out that a voice wasn’t a musical instrument and she had thus far not completed the challenge. Not to be outfoxed, Amanda then called me and proceeded to belt out the most poorly constructed and pitiful rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ I have ever heard… On none other than the keypad of her mobile phone! I hung up on her in disgust.

Feeling bitterly disappointed I took to the computer to write my guest post for her blog, and while researching the definition of a musical instrument realised that though my best efforts and intentions were being shot down by a cousin who I had always held dear to my heart, she had inadvertently completed my challenge.

A phone, technically, can be defined as a contrivance or machine that is used to produce a musical note or sound.

Therefore it is with a heavy heart that I can officially order this challenge as completed. Though, I’m not entirely sure that I will ever forgive Amanda for treating my test with the level of disregard normally reserved for Hitler, Stalin and Once Upon a Time in the West.

Actually, I probably will 😉


4 responses »

  1. You’re harsh on your cousin, Mitch. We probably need a rendition of said “musical instrument” in a public forum. i.e next Saturday. What do you think?

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